It was in May of 2017 that I had graduated high school. That August I began my first semester of college. By that winter, my immediate family had gone through a series of events that were a little less than ideal. I mark this time of my life as my first real “dip” into life outside of my little high school bubble.
Growing up, I was fortunate enough to not have to worry about the intricacies of life-sustaining responsibilities. Truthfully, I don't even believe I was fully aware of the depth of real necessity until graduation. My mom provided for us well. Education was to be our first priority. And for those reasons, I did pretty well throughout my primary and secondary education. Despite being in therapy for most of my adolescence (middle school years through to 11th grade), I hadn’t truly learned how to cope with the anxiety-producing structure that was my mind.
The need for reassurance, public praise and immediate satisfaction were how I calculated my self-worth. As long as other people thought I had it together, I did. That was my reality. However, once I left high school that collective push and communal understanding of the world began to fade. I perceived constant reassurance as my only source of “support” and to no longer have that really began to stir up feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. I picked up some unhealthy habits that went against my morals. And though, I am now grateful and humbled by the experience, these unhealthy behaviors were not good for my mental health. Being freshly 18, and quite emotionally sore from a family gathering, I decided to return to therapy prior to my second semester of college. It was then that I found some catharsis in sharing the beginnings of what I now call my wellness journey.
I’ve never been one to be social media savvy. Some people have a real knack for making their feeds very aesthetic but I hadn't ever cracked the code to do that. (Spoiler: Im still don't possess that skill). So, rather than continually be frustrated by not only what I perceived as an “inability” to obtain the “perfect feed,” but also my general distaste for the goal of obtaining a “perfect feed,” I began writing “lil self-appreciation posts.” I figured I would compile them all here to reminisce and reference. I do plan on “purging” my Instagram feed now that it is 2020, so If you are searching for these on my feed in the future, they may not still be up. As stated earlier, these posts are from 2018. I have copied and pasted their contents (while fixing any grammatical/spelling errors). Enjoy!
1.8.2018
Not one to post things like this but one big goal of mine this year is to really take care of me. Self care is really important. It's kind of like when people say “its starts at home.” I really believe how you feel about yourself has a direct correlation on how you navigate the universe. Ive been trying to get in touch with my spiritual side, not necessarily religious, but mind, body and soul. Waking up with the intention of being happy. And appreciating the things that I have, the resources I have at my disposal and tapping into my fullest potential every day. I know that my best may vary day to day but I have an able body. I have coping mechanisms to live with my mental health diagnosis. I am loved. So I need to return the favor to myself and make myself a priority.
4.18.2018
Lil self appreciation post
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I'm fine as hell and there isn't anybody out here that can tell me different. I love myself. I love my mind, body and soul for all that they do for me. And I'm putting it out there not for
anyone else but myself. I post things like this to remind myself because there are days when I forget and loving myself is difficult. But slowly and surely, more days like today happen where I remember and practice appreciating myself.
7.18.2018
As usual, I don't post for like weeks or months on end and then there's “a lil self appreciation post”. So let's get into this one...
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Today turned out to be a good day. I followed through on a few choices and things panned out to be fun. I don't have fun all that often anymore. I don't know how to throw caution to the wind. I say I like routine and stick to it but honestly, the monotony makes you feel like you’re slowly going insane. So rather than focus on the anxiety of maybe doing something...maybe I should just do it and face the consequences when they happen. Today, the consequences of my decision were happiness, and laughter, and candidness with a person. Basically, a perfect stranger. And it's crazy that we can make such connections with people we barely even know. Physical connections directly relate to mental/emotional connections even just within ourselves. Those chemical reactions are very real and happen and i'm riding them out while they’re there because too often I find myself not even approaching the pool to dip a toe in. So, I dipped a toe in. And things were good. When things are good you notice the other good things going on. To pay tribute to them, I figured again, I’d write one of these as a reminder to myself. I am beautiful. I am lovely. I am funny. I am smart. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of affection. Attention does not dictate, equate to or validate my worth. The energy I put out directly reflects the energy the universe returns to me.
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So, yeah..that's enough talking out of my ass for one night.
8.20.2018
Lil Self Appreciation Post. Another one (Ik shut up already with these. Lol but whatever. Its happening. Don't fight it )
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Here's a picture of me. Nothing but my cute ass face and my tangled lil baby fro tied up. Since cutting off my hair I’ve been feeling so much more vulnerable in terms of my outward..presentation of myself. Oftentimes I get caught up in my own spiral of negativity. That I am “this way” or “that way” because of how I choose to present myself to people. All of this is made up expectations I’ve told myself to believe in. My brain runs a million miles a minute trying to distract myself from myself in hopes that i'll just “be okay with myself” at the end of things because i allow myself to be uncomfortable in my own skin. The only way to remedy this is to try my best to be mindful of these thoughts and keep them at bay because “You are you. FOREVER. And that's terrifying” especially if you don't at least LIKE yourself (@wherearetheavocados). Its okay. It truly, truly is okay to be like “I'm a flawed, fucked up person” But still an actual person, nonetheless. You can have goals and desires even if all of the dots don't connect to form one “master copy” of the person you want to be. Appreciate who you are now and every little facet of yourself that's developing and changing. Stop being such a bitch to yourself all the damn time. Give yourself a compliment. Im working on it. A lot. I used to only say “I appreciate my body for all that it does for me.” Which is very true and i'll continue to say but that doesn't acknowledge the brain behind this body that deserves some credit as well. I overthink. I run scenarios five, six, seven times. I stall. And I start. And stall again. But somehow the wires connect for me to function. Mind, body AND soul need to work together. Not just one or the other. All three “in perfect alignment for exactly what it is that you need” (@luneinnate). Give yourself a hug. You deserve it. You’re doing good.
9.25.2018
It's time for another lil self appreciation post
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It took a lot to take this picture and want to post it. I went back and forth on it for a while. But knew that I wanted this as part of my posts. The picture isn't perfect, I could sit and point out at least a dozen things I'd want to change about it. But then I thought about how I just stood in front of the camera and it happened without any forcing a pose or an attitude or what my face was doing or any special editing afterwards. I am beautiful without any of that. My body is beautiful and strong and cushiony in so many amazing places. Rather than best myself up about the imperfections, I appreciate the beauty. So yeah...that's it this time around. ;)
11.13.2018
Lil appreciation post
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So...i've been having a really tough time for the past month or so now. My energy feels constantly drained. I'm mad at myself for not being able to do as much as I feel like I should be doing. I feel lazy even though i'm doing the best that i can each day. My body’s exhausted. I ignored my body’s signals for so long that my body shut down. It finally made me stop after telling me over and over again to slow down. That was an incredibly humbling experience. Scary but humbling. My body forced me to spend time with my mind. That's terrifying. There's times that I sit and wind up thinking too much. My anxiety has been at an all-time high. It has taken a lot of introspection to make the decision to feel good, and feel proud about my accomplishments for the day no matter how big or small. My goal for this year has been to really focus on myself...to appreciate my best for the day. And I feel as though I'm getting my footing back to continue accomplishing that goal. Recently my mantra has been to breathe and to forgive. Primarily to forgive myself. To forgive those around me. To forgive my circumstances. To forgive my past. So when i found this rose quartz that said forgive in gold I had to have it. That's okay. It's okay to spend money on things that you like. To have a tangible reminder. This precious lil baby sent its happy little vibrations my way and led me through the rest of my afternoon with a smile on my face. I'm feeling good. One day at a time.