Preface: I can only speak for myself and my experiences.
This year has presented unique challenges that I did not anticipate. There has been a wide variety of issues concerning human rights, the environment, financial upset, social discourse, the election, etc.
Being a Black person in American is petrifying for more reasons than one. This movement for social justice amidst the pandemic has really shaken the core of my being. I have begun to question so many pieces of my identity because of it. This includes my gender identity and expression. Every single relationship dynamic in my life has shifted, changed, been modified or removed over these matters.
And right now, I feel like the absolute most I can do is tread water while waiting for the next wave. I have tried to maintain the most positive of attitudes, sustain my resilience, and above all, continue to make sound moral decisions. However, the continued pressure has really been taking a toll on my mental health. I have been really depressed for a number of months. I feel rejected. I feel unloved. I feel unsafe. I feel hopeless. I feel unmotivated. Overall, I am not okay. And, that is an okay way to feel right now. I also know that these feelings will not last forever. Though, I am grateful that I have a majority of my physical needs being met, that does not invalidate my feelings or experiences. I have been working with a therapist and other mental health professionals to cope with these situations.
Being in the times that we are, it is very easy to over-consume. And I find myself being extremely guilty of this. Overindulging in any sense of the word is not always the healthiest of behaviors. I have felt like I have been overconsuming things that bring me immediate, momentary gratification because I have been without blissful happiness for some time now. This includes junk food, social media, and sedentary/isolated behaviors just get through the days. In acknowledging where I am, I dont pass judgement on these behaviors. However, from an non-judgemental window, I can look and see the negative consequences. My skin has broken out like I am 13 again. I have been comparing myself to picture perfect instagram models and other peoples milestones on facebook. I have been inactive and ignoring my body’s desire to move. Not only do these behaviors make the depression even worse, but then I feel guilty for having behaved this way when I know better. So then, shame kicks in. And this entire feedback loop becomes incredibly self-sabotaging.
So then, the question becomes how do i break it? How do I find some way to live when even just waking up is an immediate battle and frustration?
This is when I would love to give some hippie answer like “I meditate” or “I do yoga.” But i havent been. Well, not explicitly. I find something to hold on to. Something that marks the time I have to get through. Something that my brain can focus on other than the pain. I find leisure when I can, as I can. But there isnt some kind of magic fix-all. Or perfect sequence. Because some days I approach my yoga mat and I cant do anything. There are other days when the class just completely shifts my perspective. And there are even days when I just sit. The only constant that I can find is my breath.
Breathing through all of it. One moment at a time.
Allowing for time and space to heal what it can.
And when I do have moments of clarity and strength, I will be better equipped to make decisions.
Though I am tender right now, I am resilient.
And so are you.
Resources for Mental Health Services
https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/find-help/index.shtml https://www.mentalhealth.gov
